in my field of paper flowers

this is not a cry for pity or for sympathy

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S02E20 Consistent

I had no idea.

All the clues where there, but somehow I never put it together.

My mom’s sick, that’s what you kept telling me. I knew it was hard and that the disease was severe, but I couldn’t imagine it was that bad.

There is nothing I could do.

No, as a matter of fact there was.

I could be there for you, but I wasn’t. And then D., your girlfriend accused me of usurping our friendship by calling you up only when I needed something. I bore a grudge against her, but now I’m not sure if she was all wrong. The facts are right here in front of me: I called you up when I needed a job. I called you up when I needed a connection in the U. S. I called you up when I needed some contact information. Never did I call you just to say hi. I’ve always been concerned by the fact that I could be interrupting an important meeting, and I know you spend most of the evenings with D. But what if these were just excuses?

What if she was right? What if you were right?

What if all I care about in the end is my own benefit, my personal gain? It certainly seems to be true regarding my personal relationships; I’m always the one who wants more than the other party. More attention. More affection. More time.

I usually soothe my conscience by asking myself, Who doesn’t do that?Everything we do is egoistic in its very core, even our most altruistic incentives bring us satisfaction.

What if it shouldn’t be this way? What if it’s wrong?

Then it would appear that all D. said about me is true.

S02E19 Accuse

You said I only need people so that I can use them.

Your boyfriend is a good friend of mine just because he’s got money and connections I can use.

According to you, I “hang around” with N. B. as you put it, “just to make myself look better, too” since he is so unbelievably cool.

I wonder why I “hang around” some other people – from your perspective.

I guess, Nick makes me look smarter or more intelligent – right? And what about Tata? Just curious.

Of all the things you could say to me, you chose this. Of all the people who could say that to me, it had to be you.

Oh well. It could be worse. After all, I don’t need you anymore, anyway. Just like you said, remember? You have no value I can make good use of.

S02E18 Song

Here’s a little song I wrote. Feel free to comment. If you’d like to put the words on some music, I’d be thrilled!

They say it’s often calm before a storm
And that’s the rule
You choose to live on by
You let a dark and hollowMidnight cry
Shake from within
The core of your existence.
Nobody has a clue
On what is going
Not that you’d want it
To be known
By others
(By others) 

Chorus:
When the night falls down,
With crushing force
It lands on your slim shoulders.
Like guilt, the night quite never goes away.
In spite of all
You bear it all
Your will stays strong,
Unbroken.
You love your life
Regardless
Of it all.
Your life is yours
Regardless
Of it all. 

A new day comes, you cover up again.
You fake a laugh,
You fake a life each time.
So flawless,
The perfection fades in shame,
And people walk on by
Like they did always.
All of a sudden
It begins to rain.
But then you know
The sun’s still shining
Out there.

(Out there)

(Chorus)

Sometimes you wonder if they ever notice
The nature of yourself behind the lies.
But everyone is numb and blind,
Some other things are on their mind.
Don’t judge them,
It is not their fault at all
(At all)

(Chorus)

There’s nobody around
Who you can blame.
But if there were, you wouldn’t
Anyway.
You’re by yourself, you’re all alone,
You leave from work, you don’t come home,
Your life is yours
And they are not invited.

(Chorus 2x)

(Originally written April 6th, 2011)

S02E17 Breath

I get it now.

Relationships are supposed to be simple. Easy. Natural.

Like breathing.

Too bad they aren’t always like that. But when they are, your mind rests and a feeling of peace and overwhelming love covers you like a soft blanket.

S02E16 Ethics

He: has been staying away from everyone lately.
She: has been working twice as hard trying to distract herself from that fact.
He: wouldn’t let anyone near his issues since words don’t change anything except for perception, and he doesn’t want to appear weak.
She: loves him.
He: not so much.
She: is this close to leaving him.
He: doesn’t have a clue.
I: have to deal with their mess.

Because if I don’t, I’ll lose my best friend and the nicest girl will be heartbroken.

If I intervene, he will despise me.
If I do not, she will be disappointed in me in particular and men in general.
If I intervene, it might prolong the agony of their relationship.
If I do not, it will all come crashing down soon – on my head, included.
If I intervene, their one-sided commitment may become a base for a commitment of a totally different kind.
If I do not, I’ll witness the death of their future together.
If I do intervene, their future will die anyway, but later on and with consequences far more severe.
If I do not, he will be left alone and depressed, she will be devastated.

Common sense suggests the sooner they part ways, the better for both of them.
My mind tells me I don’t want to be there when it happens.

God help me.

S02E15 Care

Here I am, drunk once again.

Half an our ago I hinted at a girl who in spite of my objections told me the story of her some particularly promiscuous night in a club in every juicy detail, that she is, in fact, a whore. She ran away distressed, but I don’t care.

I don’t care about anything right now. I don’t care who my father is or why he has never contacted me in nineteen years. I don’t care if my dorm neighbor wrongfully thinks I’m gay or if my best friend considers me nothing more than a college drinking buddy. I don’t care if I never find the love of my life. I don’t care if my missing father issue is in the center of it. I don’t care if by his absence this person has caused more harm than by being here, or if his ghost after having inhabited my closest friend migrated to the other one who I love just as much, so that now I blame the latter for all the same things I had blamed the former for and can barely refrain from doing so…

Nothing. I feel nothing but drowsiness. Good.

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